Exactly a decade ago, I was sitting in a classroom at the IBM Conference Center in NJ. That's where I went every other weekend to get my MBA from Cornell while I worked full time.
It was during lunch time that a free class was offered. The topic was "How to Develop Your Personal Brand." William Arruda was the instructor. (I suggest you look him up on LinkedIn and connect.)
When he touched on the importance of securing a domain name under your full name, I raised my hand to make a comment,
"That seems too much like shameless self-promotion to me."
Attendees looked at William to see how he would respond, as they were secretly thinking the same thing. In this particular situation, for whatever reason, I decided to be the trigger-happy one to point out the elephant in the room.
William took a pause, looked straight at me & calmly said,
"Ms. Sakai. Get. Over. It."
Everyone laughed. Nervously.
Message received, nonetheless. That weekend, I bought my domain name.
But it wasn't until 5 years later when I finally did something with it. Yes, that's the one you're looking at right now.
"Resistance" is a powerful & distracting behavior both in life & business that we tend to hold onto. Sometimes consciously, and sometimes unconsciously.
What happened was…I was hiding behind the age-old Japanese virtue of "Wise hawks hide their claws."
The saying means to convey the importance of not showing off your craft to create unnecessary commotion which may scare off your prey. Sounds noble. Sounds logical.
But the truth was... I just wasn’t confident enough to push myself out there in that way. So, my brain decided to wrap that up with all sorts of logical reasoning as to why I shouldn’t do it to achieve 2 things:
1. Avoid investigating why I didn’t feel confident in proceeding,
2. Avoid shaming myself by covering it up with logic so that I felt like I was making a sound decision.
I had no problem promoting my business, Airtight Concepts, as a brand. It’s something I was accustomed to doing since my days in the music business. It’s an entity; it’s not a person.
But when it came to establishing myself as a brand…, let me tell you, there was SO MUCH resistance!
So, listen up. What I'm about to tell you is the whole point of this post:
The resistance I held onto DID NOTHING POSITIVE for me.
If anything, it slowed my business down, and I want to make sure this won’t happen to you. The faster you identify & acknowledge that you are experiencing resistance, the faster you will make progress in your business.
So today, I am going to share my 7 game-changing questions to get you out of this resistance rut fast.
Hey! I’m Maiko.
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How Does Resistance Show Up?
Unless you consider yourself a 5-year old, resistance does not show up in an obvious manner such as kicking, screaming & crying. I wish I could tell you that was the case, then spotting your resistance would be much easier.
On the contrary, resistance is super sneaky.
This is the reason it is difficult to even know if you are actively resisting changes that you thought you were committed to make.
So, before we go over the 7 game-changing questions, let’s examine some signs that can be clues for you to recognize when you are experiencing resistance.
The below 8 indicators have been gathered from my experience in actively engaging in conversations with business owners. I’ve taken mental notes for some time to write this post while I listened to how they describe their challenges & how they behaved.
Warning: If you find some of them disturbing, I will take it as the sign I’ve done my job. So, embrace yourself.
8 Indicators You Are Resisting Change:
1. Unable to show results from the new efforts you promised you would do.
2. Desired actions are taken while sabotaging them at the same time.
3. Present logical explanations & own them as if you are bravely, consciously making those decisions.
4. Put a blame on external factors.
5. Bank on external factors & you don’t do the work.
6. Your response almost always starts from “Yeah, but…” with the defensive, annoyed look.
7. Keep asking the same question until you hear the answer that would confirm your objections.
8. Stop showing up.
How about it?
These are supposed to make you sweat a little. Heck, these make ME sweat a little when I need to examine myself. As I always say, I’m not on my soap box here. We are wired to result in any of these behaviors when we face fears of the unknown.
#1: Unable to Show Results
This is the easiest to detect. If what you do & what you say don’t match up, this is reason enough to call for an investigation. Here is a typical example:
“I’m doing everything I can, but it’s not selling. I do everything you told me to do. I follow all the guidelines. What’s happening here?”
The bottom line? You aren’t doing it. I don’t care how you want to argue with me about it, you aren’t doing it. Investigate. Period.
This is because your effort is only at the surface level. You may feel like you are grinding each day. But in reality, you are doing everything but what you are supposed to be doing. Avoiding doing something is a form of resistance.
#2: Taking Action & Sabotaging It at the Same Time
I’m personally fascinated by this behavior. Believe it or not, this is common among entrepreneurs who are naturally go-getters.
In case you aren’t sure what I mean by this, here’s an example. Say, you made it a goal to reach out to 30 customers per week to get feedback on your product/service, and you actually do them. But all of your questions are “leading questions” and not “open-ended” questions not allowing your customers to freely tell you how they feel about your product/service.
This is because you are afraid of uncovering something you are not ready to face. Or, you don’t believe in this action enough to ensure you pursue the most optimal strategy to get the most out of it.
Subsequently, this defeats the whole purpose of you making 30 phone calls per week. But you get to say, “I did everything yet no results,” because you did make 30 calls, and you may proceed to blame other factors for not working out while you were the one who sabotaged the process.
In a sense, you did the homework, but you got them all wrong. But you choose to dwell on the fact that you did the homework. You did your part, so you should be rewarded, right? Not really. You will only be rewarded by the results you generate.
Get it?
Fascinating, isn’t it?
#3: Empowering Yourself with Logical but Misplaced Explanations
I am not being sarcastic or trying to be funny about this. By far, this is the most common indicator that we are going through resistance to change.
If you’ve made any of these following statements, basically, you are resisting change:
“I’m rethinking about this being my niche. I don’t think this works because the market is not big enough.”
Translation: “I’m getting bored with this because I don’t see the results fast enough and I’m ready to try something new that seems to be working for other people.”
“My business model is, by default, not designed to retain existing customers. So, I would rather focus on my acquisition strategies.”
Translation: “I get more “highs” on getting new customers. Trying to come up with strategies to continue enticing my existing customers is boring work to me.”
“I decided to take a break from my business & put this on hold. Selfcare is so important for the longevity of my business. True, I ended up not making any progress, but maybe because I didn’t pace myself.
Translation: “I made a goal to get my business off the ground, and I have not achieved it. It turns out that this is a lot more work than I expected, so I’m just going to blame it on burning out.”
In the opening of my post, I came clean with my logical explanation about how I believed in taking the high road and condemned shameless self-promotion. These are not that different from that.
Just. Come. Clean. I did it, and so can you.
#4: Blame on External Factors
If I am to list some examples, this could go on forever. This is similar to #3 where the external factors you will come up with will all sound very logical & understandable.
“I don’t have money to pay for this.”
“I’ve got 5 kids.”
“Everyone expects to get my stuff for free.”
“This is just not the right time for me to do this.”
“People don’t respect my line of work.”
“My wife would never go for it.”
All these are a bunch of excuses that will eventually point right back at you & your inability and/or your lack of willingness to overcome them.
I get it. It’s painful. But without accurate assessment of what’s going on in your head, you will not be able to overcome resistance to change. I’m sure you agree.
#5: Bank on External Factors While You Don’t Put the Work in
Just like #2, this is also a counter-intuitive and fascinating behavior that exhibits resistance to change. Needless to say, this is the complete opposite of #4, and it actually happens.
On the surface, you seem like you are going all-in with the change you are about to make. But instead of you doing the work, you end up throwing money at the change by hiring, outsourcing, buying up a bunch of ads, paying for the re-branding of your website that has nothing to do with the ultimate goal, etc.
Essentially, what you are doing here is avoiding doing the real work necessary to make the change, and you deciding instead to “buy” the change.
This comes from not trusting that the change in question will deliver the kind of results you desire. Since you don’t have your own buy-in, none of these efforts will be fruitful. Also, this is extremely convenient if you want to keep resisting because if whatever you tried doesn’t work, you can move right back up to #4.
This is a combination of distrust & laziness.
Money doesn’t always solve everything. On the other hand, your determination will.
#6: Always Arguing About Why It Doesn’t Work for You
On a personal note, the minute I hear someone say, “Yeah, but…” or “Oh, I can’t because…” I phase out my conversation very swiftly (but not abruptly) with them to conserve my energy & to protect my time. Over time, I’ve realized that there is no point in making suggestions to those who have no skin in the game only to hear this as a response.
However, if this comes from my paying clients, I simply repeat what they’ve said right back to them & let them catch themselves.
Often times, we do this without realizing that we are doing it. Now that I’ve pointed this out, you will start to notice how others do this constantly all the time.
This is an easy one to detect. If this shows up, you are going to ask yourself why you feel so defensive about the change or a topic associated with making this change. More on how to do this under the 7 Game-Changing Questions section.
#7: Keep Asking the Same Question to Get Different Answers
This behavior is also intriguing. What is happening is you are not willing to face all the answers that you’ve gathered, which is a form of resistance. So, you will repeat the same question until you hear something that confirms your suspicion or the way you want to go about it that requires minimal change.
If this is you, it is guaranteed that you will be annoyed with me. My answers don’t change. All you will get is a stare from me after I’m done with my answers. Then there will be the ultimate questions that I will ask:
“Are you trying to buy time to get ready by asking the same question, or you don’t want this bad enough? If you are ready like you said you were, why are you still here asking the same question?”
At one point, you just have to make a decision & go with it. That’s what’s required in business. Choices are simple: either you get used to it or you don’t.
#8: Stop Showing Up
This includes stopping reporting back to your mentor by saying that you are keeping your head down to get more results, stopping participating in group discussions over social media, and canceling appointments with accountability partners saying you are too busy.
Now you are on the run.
You can observe yourself and catch yourself if you are backing out of things you promised you’d be a part of.
This may sound obvious, but sometimes, it can be very subtle because you aren’t packing your bags & disappearing overnight. This can happen gradually over a long period of time.
Perhaps you might continue showing up but not taking an active role, or your attendance becomes spotty.
All other indicators listed here will lead to this eventually due to the lack of evidence to prove you should keep going. The irony is that you don’t need any evidence to keep going. Instead, you create evidence and let it dictate your next step.
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The Road to “Self-Awareness” from the Place of “Self-Doubt”
We are almost there with the 7 Game-Changing questions. Don’t roll your eyes, I have a few more points to clarify before moving on.
Identifying your resistance has nothing to do with shaming.
Shaming will only result in more self-doubting yourself. On the other hand, identifying resistance is an act of self-awareness.
To take it a step further, “self-awareness” lives where your core belief is “this will work no matter what.” If you believe this confidently, then you can self-assess your resistance in the most meaningful way.
On the flip side, if you don’t believe you can make it happen, in this case, your thoughts of disbelief will guide you right back to where you came from – the place of “self-doubt.”
This is the reason that asking questions that are specifically designed to promote self-awareness with the clear intent to get yourself out of a resistance rut is vital. If you insist that you ask yourself a lot of questions, but they all lead to self-doubting yourself, then you are asking the wrong questions.
7 Game-Changing Questions that will Instantly Get You Out of a Perpetual “Resistance” Rut
These are the questions that will not shame you but help you to peel back layers of fake logic & made-up explanations. My recommendation is to start from the top & work your way down for the best results.
Q1: “WHY DO I KEEP FINDING MYSELF BACK AT THE POINT WHERE I WAS BEFORE?”
This is one way to ask yourself why you aren’t making any progress. Remember my “homework” analogy? On the surface, you may genuinely believe that you are doing “everything you can.” But if there are no results to show for it, you must come to terms that you may be allowing yourself to go back to your old ways.
I use the Groundhog’s Day analogy on my website to describe a feeling that many business owners share. There’s a lot going on in between with different variations yet they all lead right back to the same place from where you started.
If this is not the definition of nightmare, I don’t know what is.
Often, this is caused by not being able to let go of some of the things you are accustomed to do that are no longer necessary. When this happens, chances are you keep going back to what you know, refusing to step into the world of the unknowns, or not coming up with brand-new methodology or strategy.
This question is to tackle indicator #1. Instead of arguing how you are doing everything you can possibly think of, get to the root of what’s pulling you back to where you came from.
Granted, this can be hard to do all by yourself. If you want quicker results, I highly recommend you speak to your peers, mentors, or hire a coach. They can provide their 3rd party perspectives fairly fast, most likely much faster than you trying to do it yourself.
Q2: “AM I SECRETLY ENJOYING BEING MISERABLE?”
Let’s cut to the chase with this one. We all need to rant sometimes. But ranting forever will get us nowhere.
Agreed?
Exhibiting any of the indicators #4 through #8 is a sign that you just want to sit & be miserable comfortably. Regardless of how shitty it makes you feel, that is where you feel most safe & comfortable. So long as you stay there, you don’t need to make any changes. You can sit there and resist all you want, all day long.
If you want to get out of a rut, then you have to ask this question to be 100% honest about what you are doing. How long are you willing to sit there & bitch about your misfortune? A day more? Forever?
Ultimately this particular question serves as the cue to tell yourself, “Snap out of it.”
Q3: ”WHAT AM I HIDING BEHIND & WHY?”
This is the question that unearths indicator #3 – your logical explanations that mask the stinky truth of you simply resisting change.
List all the reasons you think the new effort isn’t working out. Test them by asking if you are hiding behind these reasons but if you truly want to, you have solutions to combat them.
For example, you might list the reason you aren’t doing well in the program you purchased to learn some business concepts, “This is not going to work for me because I’m just not feeling the way this program is designed.”
Even if it seems to be a legitimate reason, check to see if you are using this as an excuse to delay your commitment to go through with the program. You might discover that, “I’m hiding behind this excuse because I’m not committed enough to trust the system someone else created, and I am not ready to own up to my side of the bargain.”
In this case, you want to explore how you can overcome this challenge by asking yourself, “What if I were already fully committed, am I going to let something like this get in a way of completing this program?”
This will help you find ways to get around the minor challenges associated with this task while you keep your eyes on the prize – mastering something new.
Q4: ”WHAT AM I ASSUMING I’LL LOSE BY MOVING FORWARD?”
Often subconsciously, we resist doing things because deep down we fear we are going to lose something in exchange. Instead of vaguely fearing the potential loss of something, get clear on what you think you are going to lose.
Just as you did for Q3, make a list of things you “think” you are going to lose. Assess whether the loss is detrimental, or the loss is actually necessary for you to move onto the new chapter. Chances are what you might lose has very little impact.
The only reason you are holding onto the fear of losing as a tool to resist is simply because you got used to having them around – people, a system, habits, a place, etc.
In reality, that’s not a good enough reason to keep resisting.
The follow-up question would be, “What’s the worst that can happen if I lose this in order for me to keep improving myself as well as my business?”
This will allow you to confirm that the benefits of moving forward with the change you want to make far exceeds the loss that may or may not occur.
Q5: ”WHY AM I THE REASON FOR NOT GETTING THE RESULTS I WANT?”
This question targets indicators #4 & #5. Although these are 2 different symptoms, they share one common factor which is you are transferring your responsibility to others.
If you can’t hold yourself accountable for both successes & failures of your own attempts, you won’t be able to get yourself out of a “resistance” rut.
Essentially this question will force you to assume that you are the reason you aren’t attaining your desired outcomes.
Don’t get it confused with, “What if I am the reason for not getting the results I want?” You aren’t asking whether or not it’s possible you are the reason for the situation you are in. The question asks for reasons why you are the one causing the situation you are in.
Are you too afraid to make mistakes?
Did you pretend as if you were committed but you weren’t?
Do you not trust your own ability to make this happen?
Are you operating based on the skepticism that this can’t happen although you want it badly?
These underlying thoughts will hinder your performance. In order to get to the bottom of this, once again, you need to come clean about the thoughts and beliefs that are hiding in your head.
After you identify what they are, ask yourself, “Then what am I going to do about it?” Question #6 will further help you come up with ways to create your plan of attack.
Q6: ”WHAT IF THE OPPOSITE IS ALSO TRUE?”
This is a versatile question that can be used not only for removing resistance but also re-assessing strategies and systems that are not working out. This question allows you to get out of “one track mind” thinking that often results in “my way or highway.”
For Q3 & Q4, you made lists – one for the reasons it’s not working out & the other for the things you are afraid of losing.
For each answer you come up with, you put this question against it. “What if the opposite is also true?”c
For example, one of your reasons why the change isn’t working is, “I am unable to allocate time for this work while I continue on with my existing work. I need this business to run so that it keeps generating revenue while I try working on this new project to take my business to the next level.”
The opposite statement would be:
“Because I hold onto my existing business out of fear, I am stuck with the one I have & unable to invest my time on the new project which has a bigger potential to generate more revenue faster.”
Now, how does this feel to you? Do you feel like there may be a way to break the cycle of thinking that got you nowhere?
Q7: ”WHAT IF THIS IS MY NEW NORMAL?”
Lastly, this is the question to help you move forward and leave your resistance behind.
Resistance will keep showing up throughout the entire process of tackling something new because it exposes you to new thoughts, new feelings & a new environment.
Say you were able to manage removing most of the resistance that takes place before getting started or the beginning stage of you trying something new. After getting some promising results by doing so, all of a sudden, you get hit with this thought of, “What if this is a fluke?”
This happens. To all of us. A lot.
What this will do is to prompt you to stop doing what you are doing or to slow down with what you are doing because of a bunch of logical-sounding reasons. So now, you are back to exhibiting some of the indicators listed earlier in this post.
See this? How tricky it is?
But fear no more. This question, “What if this is my new normal?” will put you in the right headspace. This question suggests possibilities of:
✔ What if it is OK for me to be succeeding with what I am doing right now?
✔ What if this is what the new chapter of my business is supposed to look like?
✔ What if I am supposed to be at this level of being “in-demand”?
Make no mistake, the purpose of this question is not to boost your ego. On the contrary, this allows you to own and celebrate where you are at to gain confidence, which allows you to get used to the new environment you are in.
Final Words
I hope you enjoyed this piece as much as I enjoyed writing it. This topic became dear to my heart because this can make or break one’s success in his/her entrepreneurial journey.
After speaking to many business owners – some I ended up working with and some not, it became painfully clear to me how crucial it is to share my views on handling resistance to change. In some cases, some will spend years--yes, years!--being in the same spot they don’t want to be in, simply because they weren’t aware that tools like this, asking the carefully crafted questions, were available to them.
If this post made you feel like your core has been shaken up, it means you just made progress. Now you are aware of some of the things I listed here that can easily happen to you.
The key is to be intentional about starting with these 7 questions based on the understanding that whatever you are attempting to do is going to work out. This promotes thinking that is driven by self-awareness so that you feel curious about learning more about yourself.
As always, feel free to share your experience of working with your resistance to change and/or success stories you have!